Giving Up…

For the longest time and what seemed like eternity, all I ever wanted was to own my very own horse. You read that right, horse not house. Since I was as little as could be until 2013, I would pray for the opportunity to have my own horse to ride and call my own.

Something happened soon after this dream came true. I got greedy. Greedy with my goal and overran by envy. For so long I wanted a horse and for so long I dreamed of doing what all the other girls my age that had horses did. That was rodeo. I wanted to rope and I wanted to prove to everyone that I could. During this period of my life I lost sight in the simplicity of what I already had. Right in front of me was my very own horse (finally!) but all the while I was consumed with this thought that I HAD to rodeo. Why?

“Well, because I had set this goal and I have to chase this dream and, and… well I have to or people will just think I am a phony *lets out a big sigh*.”

A few things have happened since then…

  1. Life throws some mean curve balls
  2. I grew older (older, not up lol)
  3. God had a message for me

 

Part I. Curve Balls

At that time I didn’t know any better. I was consumed. I lived and breathed it, but sometimes (I’m gonna be blunt) shit just doesn’t work out. It really seemed like the odds were against me. I’m sure I could have done things differently to help the situation more but something always came up. It just wasn’t happening. From not having the funds to not having the trailer. I even sent my horse to a really great trainer not that long ago, but still since I got her back it just hasn’t fallen into place. I kept telling myself it is my fault and that I was going to look dumb for chasing this dream but not reaching the finish line. Behind this “goal” to rodeo,  was a young lady scared to let everyone down. Scared to fail.

Part II. Growing Older

I definitely feel like I have hit a crossroad in my life. Actually, it’s more like I know I have. It wasn’t until just recently that I really took a step back to look at it all. I can see the frustration and agony I felt before I had my horse and I grin because I don’t have to wait any longer. I also think about the other little girls who waited/ are waiting for the day that they have a horse of their own. I think about all the things I had forgot to recognize along the way: Like how this “waiting” period has made me a better horseman, how it has shown me the value in the little things in life, and how it has brought me to my lowest points but only to lead me to the brightest days. I actually learned a lot from the waiting period without realizing it.

Part III. Gods Message

God sending a message just about rodeo and a horse is silly to me. That’s not because I doubt that he works in mysterious ways or that I think he doesn’t care about the rodeo fam, but because I believe there is always more to his message than what meets the eye.

I think back to what my Pawpaw used to tell me

“You don’t want no cowboy, you go for the rancher”

And hot dang if he didn’t let out a little chuckle every time he told me that. Though this post isn’t about relationships, I find it applicable. All the things I said above about being a better horseman, valuing the little things in life, and seeing the sunshine through the rain; they are all in some shape values that make up true ranchers. More importantly, that’s what life is about. It’s about the lessons learned, the good whole-hearted people along the way that help you selflessly, and memories along the way. I’d like to think my Pawpaw is looking down, chuckling that same ole chuckle and smiling. He’s probably saying took ya long enough to figure that out, Urchin!

So just like that I knew this was the work of the Good Man Upstairs. I felt like he was taking my hand through a cherished memory of mine and showing me the way. He didn’t use his own words, but through the words of my Pawpaw (that I can still hear clear to this day) he was telling me it was ok to let go and move on. It was his way of telling me not right now but later,  good things will come!

Just like that I let my burdens and stress of not accomplishing my goal disappeared. Along with underlying struggles that nobody but myself could see. I let it go. I “Gave Up”. I have faith that in time I will be able to do far greater things if I just trust in HIM. For now this is what I needed. I wont be getting rid of my horse by any means. Owning a horse is so much more than going to a rodeo and entering up. My horse is a friend, a partner, a worker, and truly a one-of-a-kind bond.

If you were to ask me my biggest fear a few months ago I probably would have made something up. My biggest fear today is becoming what everyone expects me to become, rather than what I want to become. Even if that means failure, I know I’ll learn and grow from it. From now on instead of focusing on the end point, I’ll be enjoying the journey and blessings that come forth from life blooming by itself and it’s imperfections.

 

P.S.

I guess this qualifies me for the crazy horse lady club? #signmeupthen

 

 

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